I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
