two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
