this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
