Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
