I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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