Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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