o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
