Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
