his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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