i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
