i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
