there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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