Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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