For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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