I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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