I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
