She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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