took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
