Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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