New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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