You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
