he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
