he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
