The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
