Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
