just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
