Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
