yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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