I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
