I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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