When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
