i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
