Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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