I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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