You're so nebulous sometimes
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
