Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
