Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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