Already got asked if we're dating
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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