this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
