I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
