i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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