Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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