Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
