apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize