i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
