Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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