You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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