Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
