I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
