If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
