Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Boobs speak an international language.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
