Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
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I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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