shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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