i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
