Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
