why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
